Coming Out
Today is National Coming Out Day.
I've been thinking a lot about
coming out in the past week or so. I got a call from a young man I
hardly knew. I had only met him a couple of times over the years but
found him to be so energetic, full of life and promise. Somewhere
in the back of my mind, I always knew this call would come. I think I
hoped it would.
From the moment we met, I knew
something about him without being told. I guess you could say, "It
takes one to know one." And I have impeccable gaydar. And no, I don't
think everyone is gay.
So, he called and we've talked and
talked for the past ten days. And we've laughed, cried and compared
notes on growing up gay in similar, while at the same time very
different, circumstances. My friend is on his journey of coming out.
Coming out was a most terrifying
prospect for me. When you've hidden a part of yourself since childhood,
the fear grows with the years. I remember coming home on the school
bus and putting in my Barry Manilow cassette and playing All
the Time, over and over.
All the time I thought, "there's only me,
Crazy in a way that no one else could be”
I would have given everything I own
I would have given everything I own
If someone would have said "you're not alone"
All the time I thought that I was wrong
Wanting to be me but needing to belong
If I'd've just believed in all I had
If someone would have said "you're not so bad"
I didn't come out until my early
30s. I started with the people whose potential rejection mattered the
least to me. Close family came last. My parents were the last to
know. I listened to the advice of a wise therapist and tried to
believe him when he told me that for most people coming out as gay to
family quickly becomes no big deal. He was right. Sure there was an
awkward time of learning and adjustment but soon everybody realized that
I was still me. Except I am a much better
me. I stopped living in fear. I was no longer constantly sick. as I
had often been with chronic sore throats and stomach troubles. I wasn't
hiding behind the closet door anymore.
There are well-known maladies that
often share the closet space with its inhabitant: self-disgust,
self-hatred, low self-esteem, negative self-view, chronic depression,
Dissociative Identity Disorder, alcohol/drug abuse, and suicidal
thoughts. The closet can be a dangerous and even deadly place.
I was constantly restless, never
staying in one place. Looking back at those last four or five years in
the closet. I think I moved to a different country or state every
year. Since coming out, I've lived in the same zip code for almost
20 years. I've worked for the same firm for 18 years.
My fears about coming out were
mostly unfounded. I can't say that I've lost any friends. Well, maybe
two. And those two are a blip. And those two are toxic people who were
not really my friends.
Coming out just doesn't change the
person coming out. It changes the person's friends and family. As
Harvey Milk said, by coming out we "break down the myths, destroy the
lies and distortions" that are believed about gay people. I've
marveled at what advocates my family has become for all marginalized
people.
It can also help others who are
closeted watching. The young man who called me didn't know me well but
he knew I'd come out and survived and more than survived. Thrived.
I've seen tragic results of not
coming out. I had a friend that I'd known since we were both
teenagers. My gaydar was right about him. We never talked about it
until we were both into our 40s. We didn't have much contact after
college.
FaceBook brought us back into contact with each other. He was living a
miserable life.
I invited him to spend the weekend
with me in New York. We did all the things he wanted to do in NYC. We
saw Broadway shows, ate the biggest steak at Peter Luger’s, and just
enjoyed a renewed friendship. He went to church with me and
was shocked that they actually had me, an out, gay man, leading parts
of worship.
When he left, he cried really hard and said it was the best weekend he'd ever had. He didn't know how he was going to go back.
But he just knew his family wouldn't
accept him if he came out. He may have been right. About a year
later, he was found dead at home. He drank himself to death. It
appears that he did come out to one family member. He was not accepted
as he was.
Most of the people reading this
don't need to come out. But you may have someone in your life that does
need to come out to you. You can be vital to a loved one who is coming
out. You can be the kind of person someone would feel safe
coming out to. Are you? Do you make jokes and derogatory gay jokes?
Do you talk about "that lifestyle?" Just stop. There may be a good
reason someone is reluctant to bare his or her soul to you. A little
self-examination goes a long way.
Coming out doesn't solve
everything. My young friend has some hurdles to jump over as a result
of living in the closet, as he goes through the process of living
authentically. But he's finally not living in fear and he's found that
he has so many people who love him on his side. I'm so honored to have
received that call. And my friend is going to be great.